If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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