I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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