my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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