No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
