Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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