2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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