I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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