A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
