Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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