Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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