Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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