I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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