Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
