I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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