who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
