please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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