Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
