i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
