I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
