I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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