I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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