oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
