if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
zippers are such a cool invention
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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