I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
