Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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