I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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