So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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