I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
