Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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