also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
