She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
