This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
