Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
