So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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