I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
