Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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