His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
