Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
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