my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
