and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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