If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
