Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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