Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
