How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
