i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
this is an emotional support booty call
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
