she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
