I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.