Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
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I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
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So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.