I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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