he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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