WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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