Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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