im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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